Dog Poop-Scooping 101

Once again, dear Intertubes, I have yet another installation in my on-going series about dogs. As you have probably already guessed the main content of this chapter, You are hereby warned, it (especially if you have a dog, or live in close proximity to one or more) will likely force you to read one or two passages aloud to whoever happens to be standing still or moving slowly nearby.
But first! The Rant Section.

One. If you live in a community that has very strict curbside trash pick-up date rules (i.e. cans on the curb only after dusk the night before collection, cans must be removed the next evening) and also sports those lovely signs insisting that pet owners clean up after their pet, PLEASE, either follow the rules and pull your can back in on time, or you WILL find several neatly tied bags of poop at the bottom of your freshly emptied refuse can. Look at it this way, I can either be a good guy and pick up after my dogs and throw it away - IN A DAMN TRASH CAN - or I can just leave that lovely steaming pile in your front yard. This also goes for people who angrily gesture at the nice little green signs that state "Pet Area". News flash folks, no matter what the tabloids say, dogs can't read, and generally don't care anyways. Logic - escaping millions every day.

Two. My dogs are trained, polite, friendly, and it is rather cruel for them to have to deal with your unruly Miniature Schnauzer who is yapping its diminutive way, off the leash, or worse, on one of those God-awful extenda-leashes (you know, the ones you never lock) zooming towards my polite guys and annoying the bejeezus out of them. The same goes for small children who you force to "not be scared!", and in order to prove themselves rush up and yank on one of my dog's ears. I've been sorely tempted to return the favor to both the child and the idiot who thinks he or she has this "parenting" thing down pat. Trust me, you don't. Back away slowly.

Three. The reverse of Two. The neighbor who sees you walking around the corner, enjoying the one nice day the Summer has afforded you, and scuttles over to the other side of the street, and then yells out "You better keep those animals under control!". Really. This coming from the idiot who blows straight through a stop sign at forty miles an hour, in a parking lot cul-de-sac, while texting, and then insists, when you politely point this out, that "Well she just finished a twelve hour day at work and just wants to have some dinner."

Um.

That is quite possibly the most incredibly dumb-ass selfish statement I've heard. The stop sign is there for a REASON. Mainly, to keep people and dogs from being run over by a ravenous mini-van texter who somehow managed to get through the perimeter defenses (Speed Bumps, Stop Lights, Police, etc.) and avoided looking up from what her thumb was doing until screeching to a halt, using two parking spaces.

Okay, Rant off.

So, now on to the guts of this missive, or rather what comes out of them.

Types of poop, and impending signs that aforesaid poop is going to happen.

The Poop Dance varies from dog to dog, it is simply a matter of how often you are assigned that particular dog that allows you the insight of when to desperately scramble through your pockets for a bag, all the while watching to make sure you spot all the smaller bits. A good circling is often a standard feature. One of my dogs likes to find racing-style tires on foreign sports cars and prop his leg up against it while he does his thing.
There is the mellow, "yeah, I liked eating the rest of your turkey sandwich"poop, usually takes a block and a half to show up, nothing desperate. This is often saved up for when the most number of people are around and are watching, and invariably occurs when you've already used up the spare poop bag, and have to go home, drop off the dog, and trundle back down with another bag to pick up the pile. The plus side is, it has cooled and dried slightly, making it much easier to clean up. Then there is the firm poop at first, but the last round comes out looking like a soft-serv cone, always fun to manage. The one we all dread is the "relatives visited for a big family dinner last night" poop, a liquid expulsion that has you both a: praying for an immediate thunderstorm, and b: swearing to never let Uncle Mortimer near the dog during after-dinner clean-up.

The Right Scoop.

Bag Selection is a very important feature in the pre-walk gear check. In this day and age of flimsy plastic grocery bags of the same thickness and durability as a gas station restroom's toilet paper, it is inevitable that any box placed with loving care at the check-out line will probably get a hole in it, invariably at the bottom. (Gee! Thanks, Gravity!) I remedy this by insisting on getting everything double-bagged, and if the cashier balks, I mournfully recall the very expensive bottle of wine that fell through and shattered on the sidewalk right outside the exit doors. Ah, Guilt trips, so much fun, and darned handy. I do have some wonderful clients who realize that their dog has the capability of depositing a load similar to that of a Clydesdale, and actually prepare "poop kits" consisting of a weekend edition-sized newspaper bag, inside of which they have included two surgical gloves, and a smaller bag for that secondary, smaller drop that happens every now and then. You folks know who you are, and I salute you, and heartily thank you.

Additional gear.

I carry a rather wide assortment of leashes, collars, harnesses, rain towels, and treats in the truck, but the most important pair of items are Butt Wipes, and Hand Wipes (for after disposing of the former.) Dogs that have just come back from the grooming salon are often far more, shall I say, Fluffy, in the nether regions, and it is a heartbreakingly funny sight to see a beautifully brushed dog doing the "Dingleberry Dance", half in, half out of a poop crouch, trying to shake that last morsel of the morning meal from their freshly laundered hindquarters. Hence, the Butt Wipes. These are also handy for when the dog manages, in dry, desert-like conditions, to find the one wet patch of mud to walk through. As you can probably imagine, us Handlers love Hardwood flooring - sooooo much easier to clean up!

Bag Technique, Post Pick-Up

Dogs being the wonderfully inquisitive and carefree creatures that they are, generally do not have much interest in waiting around while you pick up after them, so there are a few tricks to use to keep them local. I prefer the "leash loop around my ankle", others use the belt-loop, but the main idea is to keep the dog with you, and not allow it to express its extreme pleasure afforded by defecation by tearing up the neighbor's lawn with joyous hindquarter kicks.

Finally, a word to all you folks who aren't actually holding onto two leashed dogs in one hand and two bags of tied-off poop in the other, please, just wave, and say "Hi" and keep moving. Lengthy conversations are the bane of our existence, and we, by this point, are running perilously close to being late for our next client.

Thanks to all of you who heed these basic tenets, and I will tirelessly continue to keep your yards poop-free.

Next Post: Training - Treats, Aural or Oral?

-Alex