Inspired by my wife's scary love of Top Chef, and knowing that my robust 3 year-old Labs need at least an afternoon break, I created this. I'm sure many, many other dog lovers know this trick, but I gave it a funny name. So there.
I get home, smelling like countless animals, which usually gets me a look from George, which, when translated, is
"You Whore."
I can take it.
Rummy doesn't care, he simply needs to pee. Having been in this situation, or worse, with a girl in this situation, at a concert, I can understand his predicament. And I have to get the mail.
However, the boys do get full walks day and night, along with several "mini-walks", and this just became one of them.
Anji always updates me about poop.
Yep.
Poop.
We always check in with each other about who pooped, and if it was a scary one that means NO MORE PASTA. FOR A WEEK. (Not kidding.)
The thing is, Intertubes, when you start coming home smelling like someone else's Bitch (no, the dog, you idiots) your own dogs get a tad antsy. As in, you walk in the door, and get kind of overwhelmed by the reception.
Like, knocked down.
So Anji and I started the mail-run, where the boys got to play, but only for a short time. We'd do a minimal start-up (if you walk a dog, you know this process can take what seems like YEARS), and then go get the mail.
And then go home.
During this short period, I have seen many trees, plants, and BMW's get peed upon.
Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I ignore my cell-phone (but of course check it later), because I have two goals:
1. Keep Rumple from peeing on his leash while I fumble with the key to the mail-box.
2. Keep George from trying to nose his way through the mail in my hand to find this week's copy of Star Weekly.
Then, it is "Where's your porch!", and both of them bound up the steps, and settle down.
Time for pizza.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Double Dog Speak 101
I do mostly mid-day service, walking the dogs, and I'm usually alone (hence, why I do the mid-day walks) but on occasion the Owner is home, either taking a personal day off, or working on their laptop upstairs somewhere. I, of course, am not aware of this right away, which has led to some rather amusing situations.
No, I'm not raiding the fridge, or skimming their e-mail, or anything else.
I'm simply talking to the dog.
One lady, who is very security-conscious, heard me talking, and rushed down the stairs to see who I had brought inside, only to discover me filling the dog's water bowl, and having a conversation with him as I did so. The dog. Nobody else.
You see, Intertubes, talking to dogs is an art form, mainly because nobody taught the dog English. This is where it seems tricky, but honestly, it is simply tone of voice, inflection, and body language.
The actual words you say basically mean absolutely nothing, it is how you say them. As I've said before, I have two phrases:
1. What do you do?
2. Dude, seriously?
I can get my dogs to sit, wait for me on the front porch, calm down when another dog walks by, get them to wait while I baggy their poop, stop barking at the pizza delivery guy, get off the sofa/bed, get out of the kitchen while I'm cooking, and several other "commands" using just those two phrases.
The trick is inflection and tone, and not yelling or screaming. That just freaks them out, and basically tells them they are about to be eaten, so they had better pee on something expensive and inside.
Try it out, Intertubes, you'd be amazed at how a calm voice, using tone and inflection, can get a dog to do basically what you wish it would do, for example:
Rumple is chewing on a skin sore (they all get them) and to get him to stop, a simple "Dude, Seriously? Seriously?" does wonders.
George (the lovely but not too bright one) sees another dog as we are getting the door open and stands up (I make the boys sit on the porch, otherwise they tend to overwhelm whoever is opening the door) I say, "What do you do." He sits back down.
Again, everyone has a different approach, but this is a good back-to-basics style that has worked for me well over many years.
Off to go for what we call "a quickpee challenge" and get the mail.
No, I'm not raiding the fridge, or skimming their e-mail, or anything else.
I'm simply talking to the dog.
One lady, who is very security-conscious, heard me talking, and rushed down the stairs to see who I had brought inside, only to discover me filling the dog's water bowl, and having a conversation with him as I did so. The dog. Nobody else.
You see, Intertubes, talking to dogs is an art form, mainly because nobody taught the dog English. This is where it seems tricky, but honestly, it is simply tone of voice, inflection, and body language.
The actual words you say basically mean absolutely nothing, it is how you say them. As I've said before, I have two phrases:
1. What do you do?
2. Dude, seriously?
I can get my dogs to sit, wait for me on the front porch, calm down when another dog walks by, get them to wait while I baggy their poop, stop barking at the pizza delivery guy, get off the sofa/bed, get out of the kitchen while I'm cooking, and several other "commands" using just those two phrases.
The trick is inflection and tone, and not yelling or screaming. That just freaks them out, and basically tells them they are about to be eaten, so they had better pee on something expensive and inside.
Try it out, Intertubes, you'd be amazed at how a calm voice, using tone and inflection, can get a dog to do basically what you wish it would do, for example:
Rumple is chewing on a skin sore (they all get them) and to get him to stop, a simple "Dude, Seriously? Seriously?" does wonders.
George (the lovely but not too bright one) sees another dog as we are getting the door open and stands up (I make the boys sit on the porch, otherwise they tend to overwhelm whoever is opening the door) I say, "What do you do." He sits back down.
Again, everyone has a different approach, but this is a good back-to-basics style that has worked for me well over many years.
Off to go for what we call "a quickpee challenge" and get the mail.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Old dogs can remember
One of my charges, a lovely geriatric Boxer, was waiting for me last night in the driveway. He limped over as I collected the mail, and then we made our way to the front door. It was an amazing sight, and after I mixed up his food, and fed the fish, I sat for a while, hearing the clunk-clunk-clunk of his tongue smacking the sides of the big metal bowl, and wondered, why in the hell does this dog trust me?
The fish pretty much don't care. You check the water, add a pinch of food, and they are, like, totally cool, man. After all, we're fish. Not much we could do except flop about in a theatrical manner.
But Intertubes, this is what always amazes me. The dogs always seem to say "Dude! you're here!" and proceed to exhibit amounts of affection tantamount to folks coming home from a war.
Folks coming home from a war, you totally need to get a dog, and then avoid being near a dock or heavy machinery. And bring band-aids. Seriously.
If you can, adopt a dog or cat. Or both. It is completely worth it.
The fish pretty much don't care. You check the water, add a pinch of food, and they are, like, totally cool, man. After all, we're fish. Not much we could do except flop about in a theatrical manner.
But Intertubes, this is what always amazes me. The dogs always seem to say "Dude! you're here!" and proceed to exhibit amounts of affection tantamount to folks coming home from a war.
Folks coming home from a war, you totally need to get a dog, and then avoid being near a dock or heavy machinery. And bring band-aids. Seriously.
If you can, adopt a dog or cat. Or both. It is completely worth it.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Gnat Sauce
Oh Intertubes, I ask you, how do you avoid inhaling tiny flying insects?
I, as usual, am out handling my charges. Previous to, I put on sunscreen, sprayed myself down with Off!, and still inhaled about 5,000 gnats. I put a bandanna around my mouth, and that just let me chew on them for a while. The numbers I inadvertently inhaled through my nostrils defies modern science, and even old, defunct science.
I have a funny feeling that walking through some of the posh neighborhoods I deal with, wearing Mosquito netting, will cause some comment. Not all of it good, or even faintly amusing.
The really funny part of writing this, to me, is that Rummy has taken to "caving" underneath the desk in the office, a trait he's never shown before, when I write. This is both encouraging and scary. George, as usual, simply has collapsed on the sofa, and apparently is expecting afternoon cocktails and refreshments.
In other news,
The Truck is costing me blood donations.
Hopefully, the guys will get it done by Monday, and I'll have my beloved Feeona back with me, and she will actually work. On a regular basis.
Gosh, that'd be nice.
I'm off to go hose off the Off!, and then debate if I even need to eat dinner.
I, as usual, am out handling my charges. Previous to, I put on sunscreen, sprayed myself down with Off!, and still inhaled about 5,000 gnats. I put a bandanna around my mouth, and that just let me chew on them for a while. The numbers I inadvertently inhaled through my nostrils defies modern science, and even old, defunct science.
I have a funny feeling that walking through some of the posh neighborhoods I deal with, wearing Mosquito netting, will cause some comment. Not all of it good, or even faintly amusing.
The really funny part of writing this, to me, is that Rummy has taken to "caving" underneath the desk in the office, a trait he's never shown before, when I write. This is both encouraging and scary. George, as usual, simply has collapsed on the sofa, and apparently is expecting afternoon cocktails and refreshments.
In other news,
The Truck is costing me blood donations.
Hopefully, the guys will get it done by Monday, and I'll have my beloved Feeona back with me, and she will actually work. On a regular basis.
Gosh, that'd be nice.
I'm off to go hose off the Off!, and then debate if I even need to eat dinner.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Rattat - wait, how the heck do you spell this?
Whole Foods is right next door to one of my dogs, so I try to plan ahead, and get some shopping done after I've taken him out. This morning, my wife asked me to make Ratatouille, thus requiring ingredients.
Squash et all was needed.
So, the shopping list:
Butter (I always run out, for some reason, go figure.)
Various Squashes and Zucchinis
Tomatos
Garlic
Sparkling water (For some reason, Whole Foods has the best house brand at the cheapest price.)
I generally buy enough pounds of ingredients to fill my standard-sized roasting pan, and instead of doing The French Laundry/Movie version, I chunk them all up into 1/4 inches by 1/4 inches (except for the garlic, Duh) and let the stuff roast slowly. A little sea salt, a little red pepper (or chipotle) and a good olive oil work wonderfully.
Amazingly, this is one of the few veggie dishes that Rummy will eat. George usually asks for seconds.
A chef friend asked me a while back why I didn't use Eggplant.
Pretty basic.
Eggplant is bitter, and needs to be salted before use, in this case. The salt it "imbibes" can make the whole thing become something to throw out, and I abhor throwing out a dish due to over-seasoning. Therefore, stick with what you know. Leave out the eggplant.
Ratt (as my wife calls it) is a simple dish. If you overwhelm it, it will taste simply awful.
Okay, off to shop and chop.
Squash et all was needed.
So, the shopping list:
Butter (I always run out, for some reason, go figure.)
Various Squashes and Zucchinis
Tomatos
Garlic
Sparkling water (For some reason, Whole Foods has the best house brand at the cheapest price.)
I generally buy enough pounds of ingredients to fill my standard-sized roasting pan, and instead of doing The French Laundry/Movie version, I chunk them all up into 1/4 inches by 1/4 inches (except for the garlic, Duh) and let the stuff roast slowly. A little sea salt, a little red pepper (or chipotle) and a good olive oil work wonderfully.
Amazingly, this is one of the few veggie dishes that Rummy will eat. George usually asks for seconds.
A chef friend asked me a while back why I didn't use Eggplant.
Pretty basic.
Eggplant is bitter, and needs to be salted before use, in this case. The salt it "imbibes" can make the whole thing become something to throw out, and I abhor throwing out a dish due to over-seasoning. Therefore, stick with what you know. Leave out the eggplant.
Ratt (as my wife calls it) is a simple dish. If you overwhelm it, it will taste simply awful.
Okay, off to shop and chop.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Hot Dogs and Hollandaise
Intertubes, I made a new one today. I had a total jones for hot dogs, but was feeling a tad skittish about the whole wheat buns on top of the fridge. To be honest, they totally suck. If I'm going to throw myself into the ecstasy of a properly grilled hot dog, I want my buns squishy. Seriously, what the hell is the point of eating a hot dog on healthy bread?
So I thought about it, and my next hot dog is going to be on a baguette, gently toasted, and covered with Hollandaise.
The fact that this blog had to learn how to spell the damn thing concerns me, but no matter.
I debated making my own relish, but rapidly discarded the concept, considering I already had messed up my tiny kitchen making the aforesaid sauce.
The boys knew I was up to something, but are trained well enough to know that when I bark back, it generally means, "stay out of the kitchen, and I'll let you clean all the pans later."
The vet said Rummy was four pounds overweight, last visit.
My first thought was, compared to what, a bush? He loves sauces, and happily settles down like a Disney companion character right at the edge of the kitchen, and is very good at getting the leftover fond off the bottom of a pan. George, on the other hand, lolls like a gentle breaker off the beach, enjoying having the sofa all to himself. I've had to restrict his T.V. privileges, because he keeps nosing the remote back to Bravo. There is a finite amount a guy can take of fashion shows.
The grill was hot, the sauce ready, suspended in a bain-marie, and I was ready to go.
It was delicious.
Intertubes, have fun with sauces and hot dogs. Remember, the more complicated it is, the crappier it will taste.
Go see Julie and Julia. If you love cooking, you WILL cry during this film, simply out of joy.
Now, to go create my version of The Mad Hatter's voice. So much for sleep.
So I thought about it, and my next hot dog is going to be on a baguette, gently toasted, and covered with Hollandaise.
The fact that this blog had to learn how to spell the damn thing concerns me, but no matter.
I debated making my own relish, but rapidly discarded the concept, considering I already had messed up my tiny kitchen making the aforesaid sauce.
The boys knew I was up to something, but are trained well enough to know that when I bark back, it generally means, "stay out of the kitchen, and I'll let you clean all the pans later."
The vet said Rummy was four pounds overweight, last visit.
My first thought was, compared to what, a bush? He loves sauces, and happily settles down like a Disney companion character right at the edge of the kitchen, and is very good at getting the leftover fond off the bottom of a pan. George, on the other hand, lolls like a gentle breaker off the beach, enjoying having the sofa all to himself. I've had to restrict his T.V. privileges, because he keeps nosing the remote back to Bravo. There is a finite amount a guy can take of fashion shows.
The grill was hot, the sauce ready, suspended in a bain-marie, and I was ready to go.
It was delicious.
Intertubes, have fun with sauces and hot dogs. Remember, the more complicated it is, the crappier it will taste.
Go see Julie and Julia. If you love cooking, you WILL cry during this film, simply out of joy.
Now, to go create my version of The Mad Hatter's voice. So much for sleep.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Dog Day Afternoon
Walking dogs for a living is surprisingly satisfying. I get exercise, the dogs are wonderful, and boy, do I EVER meet many ladies.
Too bad I'm married, eh?
So for all you shy guys out there, go adopt a dog (not a puppy, dammit, they always get taken first!), a big, fluffy, friendly mutt who just wants a home. Trust me, you will get girls to talk to you. Or at least, your dog.
The biggest thing about dogs is letting them be dogs, but the hardest part of that is keeping them on the leash. Many people I meet while on the job have a phobia that the Boxer/Mastiff/Poodle etc. is going to bite them, which is 99% untrue. The 1% is, if you smell like Foie Gras, they will most likely want a nibble.
Ask any chef coming home late at night, the dogs simply want a taste.
The best way to approach a dog is gently, using the low tones of your voice, and Slllloooooowwwly holding a mildly curled hand. Note: not a fist, just keep your fingers tucked up a bit. The dog generally wants to smell you, not eat you. If you are friendly, the dog is going to know this.
A note, most dogs who seem a tad crazy are generally driven that way by the humans they live with.
My job is not only to walk them, but to let them know that not all humans are crazy, either.
Today, a wonderful Golden Retriever, an Australian Shepard, and an American Black Labrador along with a Jack Russel, who always makes sure I know where the Kong toy is located.
Off now to get a fresh roll of poop bags.
Too bad I'm married, eh?
So for all you shy guys out there, go adopt a dog (not a puppy, dammit, they always get taken first!), a big, fluffy, friendly mutt who just wants a home. Trust me, you will get girls to talk to you. Or at least, your dog.
The biggest thing about dogs is letting them be dogs, but the hardest part of that is keeping them on the leash. Many people I meet while on the job have a phobia that the Boxer/Mastiff/Poodle etc. is going to bite them, which is 99% untrue. The 1% is, if you smell like Foie Gras, they will most likely want a nibble.
Ask any chef coming home late at night, the dogs simply want a taste.
The best way to approach a dog is gently, using the low tones of your voice, and Slllloooooowwwly holding a mildly curled hand. Note: not a fist, just keep your fingers tucked up a bit. The dog generally wants to smell you, not eat you. If you are friendly, the dog is going to know this.
A note, most dogs who seem a tad crazy are generally driven that way by the humans they live with.
My job is not only to walk them, but to let them know that not all humans are crazy, either.
Today, a wonderful Golden Retriever, an Australian Shepard, and an American Black Labrador along with a Jack Russel, who always makes sure I know where the Kong toy is located.
Off now to get a fresh roll of poop bags.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Of Cabbages and Pugs
I'm seriously ready to blow up my truck and get a scooter, but then there's no place to put the dogs. Conundrums mock me, oh Intertubes. The latest news is that my beloved dogmobile is fixed (Hah, didn't even track the pun until I re-read it) and I can now pick it up. Hopefully, it will start.
See, modern cars have these chips in the keys, and if the chips get out of whack, the security system in the car won't allow you to actually start YOUR OWN DAMN CAR. I swear, magnetism is a royal pain in the ass.
But in any case, I've started this up to say hello to everyone on FaceBook, and that yes, Alex has a fledgling Blog going now.
We are building the Labor Day races, and they are going to be a bit different than what all of you are used to. (queue evil sinister laugh and rubbing of hands.)
We'll be sending out a teaser soon, and then a Start Clue for all you teams who have already signed up.
More later, I need to avoid breaking my computer.
-Alex
See, modern cars have these chips in the keys, and if the chips get out of whack, the security system in the car won't allow you to actually start YOUR OWN DAMN CAR. I swear, magnetism is a royal pain in the ass.
But in any case, I've started this up to say hello to everyone on FaceBook, and that yes, Alex has a fledgling Blog going now.
We are building the Labor Day races, and they are going to be a bit different than what all of you are used to. (queue evil sinister laugh and rubbing of hands.)
We'll be sending out a teaser soon, and then a Start Clue for all you teams who have already signed up.
More later, I need to avoid breaking my computer.
-Alex
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