Double Dog Speak 101

I do mostly mid-day service, walking the dogs, and I'm usually alone (hence, why I do the mid-day walks) but on occasion the Owner is home, either taking a personal day off, or working on their laptop upstairs somewhere. I, of course, am not aware of this right away, which has led to some rather amusing situations.

No, I'm not raiding the fridge, or skimming their e-mail, or anything else.

I'm simply talking to the dog.

One lady, who is very security-conscious, heard me talking, and rushed down the stairs to see who I had brought inside, only to discover me filling the dog's water bowl, and having a conversation with him as I did so. The dog. Nobody else.

You see, Intertubes, talking to dogs is an art form, mainly because nobody taught the dog English. This is where it seems tricky, but honestly, it is simply tone of voice, inflection, and body language.

The actual words you say basically mean absolutely nothing, it is how you say them. As I've said before, I have two phrases:
1. What do you do?
2. Dude, seriously?

I can get my dogs to sit, wait for me on the front porch, calm down when another dog walks by, get them to wait while I baggy their poop, stop barking at the pizza delivery guy, get off the sofa/bed, get out of the kitchen while I'm cooking, and several other "commands" using just those two phrases.
The trick is inflection and tone, and not yelling or screaming. That just freaks them out, and basically tells them they are about to be eaten, so they had better pee on something expensive and inside.
Try it out, Intertubes, you'd be amazed at how a calm voice, using tone and inflection, can get a dog to do basically what you wish it would do, for example:

Rumple is chewing on a skin sore (they all get them) and to get him to stop, a simple "Dude, Seriously? Seriously?" does wonders.
George (the lovely but not too bright one) sees another dog as we are getting the door open and stands up (I make the boys sit on the porch, otherwise they tend to overwhelm whoever is opening the door) I say, "What do you do." He sits back down.
Again, everyone has a different approach, but this is a good back-to-basics style that has worked for me well over many years.

Off to go for what we call "a quickpee challenge" and get the mail.